If you've spent any time on Facebook Dating recently (yeah, we figured not), you may have seen a message pop up enticing you with “I think I found your perfect match!” followed by a name, a few attractive qualities, and a smiling face. It feels like Cupid suddenly got a tech upgrade—except this time, it’s not a bow and arrow doing the matchmaking, it’s artificial intelligence.
At first glance, it’s impressive. Fast. Personalized. Convenient. But once I looked closer, I realized something’s missing.
At DateSpot, we understand the value of technology. In fact, we use AI too. It helps us sort data, find patterns, and surface an initial round of potential matches for us to review further, often ones our clients might not have considered. But we’ve learned one thing very clearly over the years: AI alone is not a matchmaker.
True matchmaking requires a human element. Someone who listens, engages, sees beyond the checklist. While a dating app may know which hobbies you are into, and Facebook Dating specifically is centered around shared interests, a real matchmaker can understand which ones you like and do most, and which ones you would want to share with a partner. A dating app may have where you live, but a matchmaker can dig into if you’re open to relocating and where you’re open to relocating to (which greatly impacts the match possibilities). A dating app might ask where you’re from, but a matchmaker understands the story behind your life - how long you lived where you’re from and how your upbringing has impacted you. A dating app can say what you describe yourself as you awkwardly but subtly try to brag about yourself, but a matchmaker can describe how you actually are based on their impressions and do the bragging for you. They learn who you are, what you’re passionate about, pick up on your energy, ask deeper-level questions, and once you go on dates, get even more data based on valuable date feedback. They know when someone sounds agreeable vs. contentious, shy/quiet vs. outgoing/talkative, when a smile feels forced, or when two people are aligned in ways an algorithm could never predict (well, at least not in our lifetime).
AI cannot take balance into consideration. Having balance in personalities and a relationship in general is key to people feeling secure and like it’s the right fit. Think of two puzzle pieces that are very similar in shape - they literally do not fit together. Only humans can really fully digest the complexities of people and the myriad of ways they could balance each other. We use a spectrum of talkativeness as one measure, but even that simplifies things a lot. Often it’s a more nuanced feeling that two people would complement one another in their energies.
AI doesn’t know what it means when someone pauses too long before answering a question about commitment. It doesn’t pick up on the way your voice softens when you talk about your kids, or how you light up describing your dream vacation. It doesn’t ask the follow-up questions, or catch the red flags hidden behind carefully chosen words. Most importantly, AI doesn’t meet people. It only processes profiles.
This is where DateSpot is different. Every single client speaks with a real human matchmaker - our Founder, in fact, who has been in the matchmaking world since 2014. Carla meets with everyone over video, in face-to-face conversation. And matches identities are verified, which includes requesting a video clip which can even be shared with you, so YOU get to see the nuances of how someone speaks and what they choose to talk about.
Our matchmakers know the database, yes, but they also get to know the people within it. These are not just accounts; they’re individuals with unique backgrounds, perspectives, and preferences. Patterns do exist, but it’s dangerous to generalize for an entire group. The DateSpot team recognizes when something looks good on paper but won’t work in practice. Matchmakers follow their instincts, ask deeper questions, and stay involved in the process beyond the first introduction.
While matchmakers the pros love collecting data and filtering heavily based on it, it’s their human brain power that allows them to easily customize what they’re asking and what to filter for. If a client particularly wants someone truly kind, the low hanging fruit is filtering for someone who checked the box of “kind” as how others would describe them. The more complex strategy may involve searching for people who check off volunteering as a hobby, or searching for natural helpers in careers like nursing, teaching and social work. There are too many combinations of what people may ask for to build this into any modern AI without it needing human oversight to be a “set it and forget it” match sent out with confidence. And the third level is far beyond what AI can do - it’s using your own personal experience with the person, knowing who has been especially grateful in their communication about matches, who thanked you for your time in going over the 45 minutes allotted for the initial video call with the founder, who received rave reviews about actually demonstrating kindness on a date, and who you just enjoy working with.
Another major difference is the scope of our network. Platforms like Facebook Dating, Bumble or Hinge rely entirely on their own internal pools. If a great match exists outside that system, you’ll never see them. And since the apps want to present as many options as possible so you’ll stay on the app and think their network is as large as possible, they show outdated profiles of inactive accounts. At DateSpot, we collaborate with partner networks and companies, giving you access to a far wider range of singles and increasing your odds of meeting your match. We can even proactively recruit for people - so in the “find someone truly kind” search, we may target and reach out to people on LinkedIn who are nurses, teachers, and social workers - it’s a customized strategy per client.
Sure, Facebook’s AI might send you a message about the very intriguing Bobby from North Carolina. He's tall, handsome, has a great job, and looks like he could be a great gym buddy and partner in crime. But is he emotionally available? Does he value the same things you do in partnership, or parenting? Does he tend to react well in a disagreement? Is he open-minded and flexible? These aren’t things AI can tell you as it continues to promote a digital continual, gamified swipe culture of “Never Be Satisfied”.
And while machine learning can technically look at timestamps on photos - if the app even uses them - it probably won’t be telling you which photos are older, and whether someone actually looks like that now. A human can, and our matchmakers do request updated photos before presenting introductions, and can give context about them and say whether the person may even look better in person, etc..
So now you know why we will never hand over your love life solely to an algorithm. We’ll use AI to help us search—but we’ll always rely on real people to fully assess and see what you think of the match, and then use any feedback to iterate from there. Matchmaking isn’t about checking boxes. It’s about understanding people, honoring the inherent complexity of people , and helping someone find a partner who actually fits, not just one who looks the part.
So go ahead and test out AI as you wish. Just know that it’s not a replacement for a real matchmaker. Technology can connect the dots, but only people can draw the picture.
